Communication Has Always Been Hard

Many have met me during various moments during my life’s journey. During my youth I was bullied for the way I behaved, or didn’t. I was called weird early on without ever knowing what that meant and what impact that would have on my life as a whole. It would take being well into adulthood that I would learn to embrace my weirdness and differences and all that I am. Understanding that either people will like me how I am or they won’t. I am weird, I will always be weird, you can be weird with me, or you can move on! It’s really that simple. Rude, no I’m autistic.

I grew up feeling like something was wrong with me. I looked fine, but no one understood me. I never knew how to express myself accurately. I’d sit and observe the world around me, hoping for some insight on how I should be. People would tell me to do certain things or not to do certain things. The awful world I now know as masking. The process of unmasking is incredibly hard. Looking back it’s reconnecting to my more authentic self and learning who I really am, who I’ve always been. Understanding how my brain works, and why. I was born this way, it wasn’t because something happened in my life, I was born with a brain that’s wired differently. Unfortunately, the world wasn’t equipped to see me as autistic.

I wish more then anything the world had seen me through a better lens. My autism wouldn’t have been missed. I wouldn’t have felt so misplaced and alien to everyone around me. Those closest to me saw the unmasked version of myself, while strangers saw a COMPLETELY different masked version. Communication is and will always be a huge weakness for me. As a child, I wasn’t expressive, I didn’t show emotion, I wasn’t receptive to the information given to me. If you asked how I was feeling, well I would respond with “I don’t know”. Here’s the thing I have a disconnect with my own feelings. I don’t know what I’m feeling at any given time. There is an actual medical term for this (I don’t know it).

I remember growing up and saying I felt numb, that was the best way to describe it. I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to express it to you, so I would just say “numb”. Not realizing that saying “numb” came off as being a more depressive expressive word. It’s not like my interests decreased or I stopped doing the things that I loved doing, etc. I just cannot tap into that part of my brain and say “I’m happy today or I feel sad because XYZ”, I literally feel nothing. At the time that I write this, literally nothing. Yet if a close friend of mine was having a bad day, I could label them as feeling their emotions. It’s a HUGE myth, autistic individuals don’t feel empathy. I am deeply empathic, it’s probably the only way I can feel and connect with others. I just can’t with myself.

There is this language/communication gap which is difficult because it makes others not understand what I’m trying to convey. Written communication is my strongest form. I’ve been writing since forever, but it’s been how I’m able to express the world around me or how I might be feeling. Sometimes I’m not even sure how to describe how to feel or if the words I’m using are correct and the best way to explain it. I base most things off observation and what I think fits the narrative based off what I’ve observed.

As a teen or even younger child its hard to explain this to an adult that what I’m writing might not be accurate but to me it’s the best I had in that very moment with the limited information I had learned for my age. As an adult, now well into my 30’s (so there’s some reference) I can look back and say, that’s not at all how I should have expressed anything at that time because I didn’t know how to correlate those things at all. I can now see how scary as a parent, and as a professional reading some of those could have been. Being so many years into my life, what could you have expected. I didn’t have the knowledge of an adult, so I had no way of expressing what was going on in my brain.

Writing is my preferred way of communication, I can see it, I can read it, and change it. I can add in as much detail is needed and be as descriptive, expressive as I need to be to get my point across. I can add what to me appears as emotion, but sometimes this can come off wrong. There will be times messages will sound angry when they don’t mean to. I do tend to be straight to the point, and I need things said to be in detail but also straight to the point. I can sound rude, but this is just how my autistic brain works. A lot of times I may not understand what’s being said to me, so I’ll ask for it to be repeated, I’ll ask a ton of questions until I understand.

My husband, and I have communicated through message since the start of our relationship. I explained this from the beginning and here we are 12 years later still messaging, even in the same room, sitting side by side. I don’t think people realize how truly valuable this is for me. Don’t get me wrong it’s still challenging because we can share videos, and talk about simple subjects. The reality is, he doesn’t understand the things I say, nor do I really understand the things he says, so there’s this big disconnect at times.

Communication, even through writing can be extremely exhausting. I find myself going in circles explaining one part of a message, only to side quest and have to explain my explanation, only to go back and explain my main topic in depth so he can understand and it goes in circles and even then, most times he doesn’t understand. I often feel like I’m talking to a wall by the time I’m done with all the explaining. I’ve lost sight of what the actual main point of the conversation was to begin with. My world has always been so isolating because of my inability to communicate effectively with others.

For him if he brings up a topic, I likely won’t understand right away, so I need clarification on a specific part. Just a specific part. This leads to a lot of fluff being added in, which leads to a lot of confusion, and partial clarification. I will have to ask several questions before I semi understand, but for me I NEED to understand or it drives me crazy. I need to know what is being said. A lot of times he can’t communicate that to me. It’s challenging, and hard.

My family has done this my whole life, so they understand how to communicate with me. For those who are just starting, who are just getting to know me, it really takes time and patience. I am trying, and I know you are too!

So if you met me within the last 6 years of my life, and I was super talkative and seemingly out going. That was with the help of alcohol. I used it to help manage pain, but it also makes me super talkative and outgoing. It also makes me impulsive. What I realize now that I’m sober is it slowed my brain down to where I could process things way slower but super clear. I could access information a lot slower, so I had more time to think and speak. I was never drinking to be drunk, that was never the point, but to get to a level of slightly buzzed but not quite. Socially I’d drink because it allowed me to loosen up and talk and this other part of me would be drowned out. I didn’t appear as awkward.

I think I continued drinking after I saw how socially different life was too. How different I was. I went my entire life being this person I hated and everyone thought was awkward and weird to being this person who could talk to strangers and carry conversations. I was still weird but I could socialize. I was cracking jokes, and was this completely different person.

I understand and come to know as just being another mask I built to blend into a world not built for me. Trying to find my place, trying to figure out what was wrong, why I was so isolated and a lone, why no one got me. I was invisible to the world around me. I value my close friendships, and love my friends dearly!

I latch on because I know what it’s like to be a lone in this world. I overshare and word vomit, probably why I have this blog. I’m learning to heal, I’m learning to understand the problem wasn’t me. I don’t need to mask myself or change myself to fit in. I am fine just as I am, and those who are meant to be in my life will stay in my life. Those who are meant to be will take the time to learn why I am the way I am.

I maybe weird, and socially awkward, I’m straight forward and say what I mean. I’m autistic with ADHD and my brain is wired differently. Nothing is wrong with me, the world needs to be more understanding and patient. I have different needs then others might, which leads to needing accommodations and boundaries.

There’s so much on my mind I want to get out and so I guess this was a bit of a rant on how this part of my life is going or how I am processing it. Writing it the best way I know how.

I know this is much different then my usual posts, but I know the world is less lonely if there's at least one person out there you can relate to. The world is also more empowered by voices like mine.

I'm tired of being silent!