Middle School Struggles: Finding My Place in a New World

July 18, 2024

Dear Friend,

Hi, I hope this finds you well. Have you ever in your younger years been left to question why you exist? So lets talk about my sixth grade year. I want to start off by saying I am still in the process of waiting on a lot of medical records so I can write more in detail about the events that happened from 1994-2005, and the things that transpired in my life. But for now, I will talk about the things that I do remember with as much detail as I can. Just know there will be more letters to come once I have more details.

I started the sixth grade in 2000. I remember right before starting my mom told me about the school’s field hockey team, and that I was going to be on it. I was pretty nervous but excited about it. I think I went to see a game somewhere prior to my sixth-grade year. That way I’d be familiar with the sport.

Prior to sixth grade I had already undergone nine tests if not more from 1994-2000. These tests consisted of cognitive functioning, intelligence tests consisting of verbal and non-verbal subsets which included; vocabulary, similarities, arithmetic, information, and comprehension. I was tested in visual-motor, visual perception, fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination. There was a test that measured attention, and ability to control. I was diagnosed with having a mixed receptive and expressive language disorder and ADD, now known as ADHD inattentive type. I was taken off Ritalin the start of my fourth-grade year.

Sixth grade started off ok, it was confusing finding all my classes. I really enjoyed field hockey, and even got to play in a couple games against other schools. I joined the school orchestra, which was ok, but probably the year I started to not like violin so much. I remember this one kid in my class who was so amazing, and the teacher always praised her and gave them credit for things. I still remember a lot of my classmates names, but for the sake of this letter I won’t disclose them, sorry.

I was socially an outcast and this was the first year I realized how little friends I did have, and no one if given the chance wanted to hangout with me. Except one person. We’ll call her Addi for the sake of privacy. I’d sit with her at lunch and we’d hangout in P.E. together. We would yell or scream silly obnoxious things in the gym. I saw how kids would be divided into well, cliques. I wasn’t a part of anything, but I wanted to be liked and a part of a crowd. I wanted to be popular with a lot of friends and people to laugh with. It just never happened for me.

Being the observer, I’d watch other girls in my grade walk around with boyfriends, and one couple was always making out right before school. I really thought to be popular meant having to have a boyfriend, I mean all the other girls seemed to have one. This was harder for me, I didn’t understand what was socially acceptable and ok. Having boys like me was even harder, I wanted what I saw the other girls my age doing, and so I would later try and get a boyfriend. Thinking maybe others would like me too. I didn’t understand or know when people were using me, and this was a hard lesson for me.

I did end up having a boyfriend, and then many boyfriends. Was I popular, no quite the opposite. I never knew to be popular you needed to be liked and in the clique with the popular kids, dating a popular kid. Having boyfriends simply didn’t make me popular, though I tried. Having a boyfriend meant being friends with their friends, kind of. One person I liked, their friend really didn’t care for me and thought I was weird. I mean they weren’t wrong.

My brother was fairly popular and had gone to the same school previously. He was now in high school my sixth-grade year. He was big into drama and theater. Like him I took up drama as an elective. I sure didn’t win any brownie points with anyone popular. Though the teacher was really fun, and I liked the dances we’d learn and how to fake fall.

You know what else didn’t win any brownie points? Having an IEP and being in a separate class with three others for math and language arts. I was teased a lot for being in a “slow” class. I struggled a lot in math and with my issues with communication, language arts was difficult. Sixth grade is when I fell in love with science. We were required to do science fair projects and for mine I learned how plants grow in different color lights. Let’s just say green did the best, I forget which did the worst.

Remember all those tests I mentioned above? Well, it didn’t end there. During my sixth-grade year I went through six more tests. One being the same and repeated from previous years prior to sixth grade. Sure, puberty changes some people, but this wasn’t that at all. My parents never gave up trying to seek help, and answers to what was causing my behaviors. Doctors had never had a patient like me. Its mentioned a lot that I would have screaming spells where I would scream for hours, sometimes what looked like for no reason. When school work got harder, and the more I didn’t understand it would trigger episodes of me screaming. Nothing would help or calm me. I had problems with anger, more specifically rage. I would be content one minute and then end up in a massive rage fit the next. I didn’t show emotions or express them appropriately (this was apparent in my younger years too). I didn’t like social interactions and a lot of times would act inappropriately.

So, these tests were personality tests, ones for emotional functioning, a test where I had to complete different sentences, and more. I met with doctor after doctor, and this started from a very young age. Being in middle school, I was now given more tests. It never seemed to stop.

I will end this letter here. I appreciate you reading this.

Middle school is hard for any child, especially those who have a harder time adjusting to big changes and environments. With the right support, the transition can go smoothly.

Stay Well,

Rebecca

P.S. Thanks for being here