Navigating Middle School: Finding Your Place When You Feel Like You Don’t Fit In

July 19, 2024

Dear Friend,

I hope this letter finds you well. So in my last letter I was talking about sixth grade. Have you ever felt like something was wrong with you? Like you’re defective? Having to go from doctor to doctor and never really understanding why or what for. When I was old enough I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough, that whatever I did wasn’t meeting the expectations of others.

When I was thirteen, I was incredibly impulsive. I would do anything to fit in and be liked by others. My parents always taught me to treat others how I’d want to be treated, but I wasn’t really taught what to do if I were bullied. What happens if I was on the other end? I never had it in me to be mean purposely to others. I was always the one to keep the peace, and create peace. There I was teased, going to medical professionals, having test after test. How was I supposed to feel or behave? I was tired of trying to be perfect and it failing. I wanted to be liked by my peers and peer pressure was becoming more prevalent in my teen life.

Girls always making out with boys, the topic of relationships, and crushes. I began to think the way to be liked were these things. I’d have to do the same to gain friends, boys, etc. I kissed my first boy my sixth grade year. I didn’t feel any different, I didn’t feel love or admiration. I continued to feel empty. This emptiness would grow as I grew more impulsive to fill the void.

I excelled in sports, continued to play in my school orchestra and even joined the chorus. I enjoyed these things as I felt I was good at them. I worked really hard in field hockey, though running a mile or any long distance run always sucked. That was the worst part, especially when it was hot out during practice. Oddly I did like stair runs. I enjoyed doing the body weight training. I remember doing wall sits, star jumps, field drills, etc. I actually enjoyed those practice days. I think what really helped me, is having to go through the school day and using practice to get out all my energy, and frustration. On the team, I felt like I was good at something.

Field hockey is where I learned the party tricks I could do with my body was shared with other girls on my team. I didn’t feel so weird. The arches on my feet hurt so bad no matter what orthotics or stretches I did. I learned to combat pain, and push through it. I did experience muscle pains, and sprained my ankle a few times through the year.

I tried so hard to please others, to do my best and to meet the expectations others had for me. The harder I tried I seemed to not do well. I had periods of shutting down, and I wasn’t talkative so I struggled a lot. When told to do things, I’d shut down and stop paying attention. If I was called out, I’d shut down and disassociate. Awful things would fill my head about how bad I was, and what was wrong with me. I was hard on myself as those around me seemed to be. I wasn’t amounting to what everyone thought I could do. My best wasn’t enough.

Doctors weren’t helpful. The testing made me feel more isolated. Constantly feeling different and less then. I just wanted someone to save me from myself, my life, the world I was living in. I escaped into writing and different worlds I’d create for myself. I made up characters and people and story lines. I mimicked and mirrored others behavior as my own. I would take on the lives around me as well. This was my escape from the reality I lived everyday.

I remember creating people, one named Jessica who was like my older sister and someone named Rachel. I can’t remember if Rachel was just another version of myself. One who was out going, talkative, I mean literally everything I wasn’t at the time. All I know is from the outside world, I had created delusions, fantasy worlds. This is when the internet was gaining popularity. I’d enter AOL chat rooms as these characters I made up. Often being older then I was. Not realizing the dangers and who I may have been talking to. Anything to gain attention, someone who’d like me, or want to talk to me. Again not realizing the danger and predators who were online at the time.

I think I made up characters and a version of myself to combat the loneliness that ate away at me. I wanted to be anyone I wasn’t. I was defective, not good enough, and seen as a problem. Or at least these are the things I told myself. Otherwise why would I be seeing all the medical professionals numerous times up till then? Other kids didn’t get these tests done, other kids weren’t leaving school to go talk to doctors. Kids weren’t like me.

I was 13 and my life was spiraling out of control. Waiting for someone to say “enough”. Summer before seventh grade was hard and I was met with many challenges. It’s also the summer I met the camp counselor I brought up previously. My world as I knew it would slowly crumble before me.

I’ll end this here as seventh grade approaches and many things unwind.

I really appreciate you reading this. Please remember even in the darkest periods in life, you’re never a lone.

You are good enough and are deserving of happiness.

Stay well,

Rebecca